How to define what you want from a relationship
Dating should be fun, but when you're looking for a compatible partner, you also need to be strategic about your search.
And if you’ve not truly thought about what you want from a relationship, how can you approach your dating life with clarity and purpose?
Knowing what you want is important.
However, this doesn’t mean you need a rigid checklist of every trait and quality you want in a new partner.
Instead, having a good idea of what kind of relationship you want and who may be able to provide this can help you date more intentionally.
With that in mind, here’s how to define what you want from a relationship.
Start with the big questions
The first thing you need to do is ask yourself: What does a good relationship look like to me?
This should extend beyond simple labels like “a serious partner” or “getting married”.
You need to break this down even further, considering:
How do I want to feel when I’m in a relationship?
What does quality time look like to me?
How important are key qualities like affection, independence and communication?
What does a secure and enjoyable relationship look like to me?
Think more about what a strong and happy relationship looks like rather than your “ideal” partner. This will, in turn, lead you to find the right person, someone who fits well into your lifestyle.
Understand your needs, preferences and deal-breakers
Can you tell the difference between your needs, preferences and deal-breakers and what each of these means for defining what you want from a relationship?
You need to be able to make this distinction.
So, let’s start with preferences. These are the qualities or lifestyle arrangements you would like in a partner, but could be flexible about and could live without if the right person came along. For example, someone who enjoys the same sports as you, likes to travel or loves eating out.
Then you have your needs. These are the values and circumstances you genuinely require to feel happy and secure in a relationship, such as living in the same area, being good at communicating and being emotionally available.
Lastly, deal-breakers are the behaviours, values or lifestyle arrangements that you know would and wouldn't work for you. For example, someone who does (or does not) want children, attitude towards money, difference in communication styles or strongly differing political views.
Understanding the difference between the must-haves, the nice-to-haves and the deal-breakers is so important. But remember, there is no universal checklist of what a relationship should look like and what you should want.
So think carefully about each of these aspects to help you determine what a good partner looks like to you, and what you want from a relationship.
Think about your core values
You might have already started doing this when identifying your needs, preferences and deal-breakers, but you also need to think about the values you want to share with a partner.
These are likely to be the principles and priorities that will shape your compatibility and how you approach everyday life together. At this stage, you should consider:
Lifestyle - Are you active and social or looking for something quieter and more relaxed?
Family and children - Do you have children already? Do you want them? What is family life for you, and how does a new partner fit in?
Affection - Is physical affection and intimacy important to you?
Independence - How much time do you want for your own life, friends, hobbies and interests?
Finances and ambition - Do you want someone who has a similar approach to work and career? Do they have the same attitude towards money, saving and spending?
Religion and beliefs - Do you need a partner who shares your beliefs and religion, or is mutual respect enough?
It’s worth saying that you don’t need to agree on everything. However, you need to understand which values are essential for your future happiness and which differences you could comfortably work through together.
Look at your past relationships
In order to determine what you want from a relationship now, you need to think about what you’ve learned from the past. This doesn’t mean asking yourself: “What went wrong last time?”
Instead, it’s a chance to reflect on what you enjoyed in the past and what you didn’t, when you felt most valued and any patterns you definitely don’t want to repeat.
You can also assess behaviour or qualities that you tolerated but that ultimately led to your break-up and that you would not tolerate again.
Thinking carefully about what you have valued in the past, along with what you feel you've missed with old partners, can help you decide what you want from a new one.
Be honest with yourself about your current situation
There is a crucial distinction you have to make. What you want in 10, 15, 20 years might not be the same as what you’re ready for right now.
Although marriage, children and a house might be your end goal, you might also want some time to date intentionally, travel and explore. This might not work if you’re with someone who wants a committed relationship right away.
Therefore, you need to be honest about your current situation and what you want from a relationship right now.
This is key for you and also potential matches you might go on dates with, as you both need to know where you stand, whilst also ensuring your current lifestyles complement one another and you want the same thing from a relationship.
Turn these thoughts into a brief
There’s been a lot of thinking and evaluating up to this point; now is your chance to take all these thoughts and turn them into a practical brief. You can even write it down if it helps.
For example, your brief could look like this:
Based on my current situation, I need a relationship that is…
I need a relationship that feels like…
The three things that I value most are…
Therefore I need my partner to…
I want us to communicate by…
… is non-negotiable for me
But I can be flexible about…
I'm not currently willing to…
In the near future I would like to…
Ultimately, I want to feel…
This short exercise can be a huge help when you're dating. This can be something you take (mentally) into every conversation, date and romantic exchange. It can also be really helpful if you choose to work with a matchmaker or if you are sharing your preferences with a friend or family member who wants to set you up.
It can also give you some clarity and direction, so you can date intentionally and increase your chances of finding the perfect partner.
Why it’s important to define what you want
It's worth saying that clarity doesn't mean being rigid. You don't have to judge potential partners against a strict and impossible checklist. In fact, you shouldn’t.
You might meet someone great who doesn't tick every box but is still an excellent match, which is why it is so important to determine your needs, preferences and deal-breakers early on.
You also don't have to announce your entire life plan on a first date, but you should be honest about your intentions as things develop. For example, don't pretend to want something casual if you want commitment and vice versa.
Defining what you want isn't about finding someone who perfectly matches every single quality or interest. There is always space to learn, grow and nurture chemistry together.
Instead, it should be about understanding yourself enough to recognise what you want from a relationship, when a partner feels right and when to confidently pursue a new connection.
And if you want help assessing past patterns and deciding what you are looking for in your ideal partner, we can help. We can also help you to meet compatible matches and offer advice, expertise and dating guidance. Get in touch with our talented team of matchmakers today to find out more.
